endlessly hoping, searching, seeking, praying, crying, clawing, grasping at straws, struggling, dreaming, losing, striving, hurting, healing, walking, trudging on, letting go, thinking, wondering, wandering, waiting, working, whining, weeping, worrying, winning, wasting, wallowing….

Today is a step in the right direction. Heard back from Dr. Tovey. I’ll be applying to ECU for their online M.A. in English with focus in Multicultural/Transnational literature. They will accept my previous GRE scores, and should they choose to accept me, I’ll start classes in the spring. I’m both terrified and elated at the thought of finally getting back into the world of academia, which is where I’ve always felt I belonged (because I love school so much that I’d rather just stay there…ha!). And I’m constantly praying that since these doors opened for me so quickly, that God is blessing this and I’m doing what He wants for me to do.

I thought a lot today about why I constantly feel like I have no time at all. Every obligation is an imposition…every commitment makes me resentful until I get there and end up having a good time. I wasn’t always that way. I can remember in high school being busy every night of the week and loving it. I worked a very full part-time job at Weight Watchers in high school and college, all while going to school full time and being actively involved in church. Now, it seems as though I get angry and stressed if I don’t have several nights at home during the week by myself.

I came to the following conclusions:

• TV is taking up way too much of my time. I’m going to start seriously limiting, if not trying to cut out entirely, extraneous TV watching. I know that I need the noise in the house, but I’m thinking that I’ll just leave it on the news channel and let that be it, rather than tuning in to TRU tv and watching a show that I’ve already seen two or three times.
• The internet (gasp) is also taking up too much time. I’ll sit on MySpace or Facebook with nothing to do, so I’m going to try to update them briefly, spend some time blogging, and then be done with the internet
• I’m going to try to restructure my day so that I’m using up all of my “own” time that I spent at the office. I end up staying there for nearly 10 hours per day, simply because I hate traffic and would rather be super-early than have to sit in it and watch my gas gauge decrease. So, I’m moving my morning pages to work…I’ll come in and get settled, and then go outside and sit and do my morning pages for 1/2 hour or so. That’ll just leave me with lunch time, and I’m thinking it’ll help me to be more productive during my day at work too.
• I’ve got to find out some way to fit in this running plan. I need to spend more time outdoors. I love the outdoors, the sights and smells and sounds. So, I’m going to have to figure that out.

Oh, and I can’t remember if I blogged it or not, but Joey got an A in his first Hebrew class. Yeah Joey!! I’m so proud of him that I’m ready to pop all of the time! He’s working hard and he’s got a lot to show for it!