Terrification (n): the result of being terrified.
Here’s a glimpse into my psychotic world: I woke up this morning and knew once I got out of the steamy shower that I was not going to be able to sing tonight during rehearsal for the Christmas music…my voice is scratchy and hoarse and it sounds like I’m trying to talk over a thick layer of phlegm right over my vocal chords. After agonizing over and over about whether or not to even go to rehearsal (What if I look like a diva who never shows up unless it’s time to sing a solo? What if people are totally grossed out that I came to such an important rehearsal all snotty and gross to potentially spread the plague to the entire choir and ruin the whole Christmas program??), I decided to go, but to sit in the back of the sanctuary and just knit during rehearsal and listen, but not sing.
I sent an email to our music minister to let him know about my predicament and, wouldn’t you know it, the plans were for the PM soloists to do the rehearsal tonight (we split the solos since there are six performances…it’s a lot for anyone to handle and we have too many talented people to need to have such limits (thank goodness!)), but that my “afternoon counterpart” could do the rehearsal tonight if need be. One thing to learn about me; I always seek approval from people in authority. I always did it with teachers, with my parents, with my managers, and with music ministers/choir directors. I am absolutely terrified of letting people down. And, of course, I spent most of the afternoon feeling like I’d let everyone down by being sick….or maybe like I was imagining that I was *that* sick and was just being lazy. But, I know my vocal chords pretty well, and I’ve found over the past fifteen years or so that, should I abuse them too much, they rebel by plaguing me with laryngitis for weeks at a time.
Isn’t it sick that I agonize about this stuff? Most people would be like, “hey, I’m sick, I’m going home. I’ll be back when I’m well,” or, “I’m sick. I’ll be there, but I can’t talk or do anything because I need to rest my vocal chords.” Not me. I have to worry constantly about how I’ve inconvenienced people and let them down because of something that’s entirely out of my control.
Sometimes, I really don’t like “me” all that much:(.