Okay, this is probably going to be a long one, so if you’re not interested in reading my lunatic musings regarding food/emotions/weight loss, then you may be better off waiting until the weekend when I catalogue our quick trip to Ohio. But, I will go ahead and give you a Kins-pic just for showing up:
That was taken with the droid…for some reason, the flash reacts poorly with Shelli’s eyes, but it makes for some freaking awesome scary-kitty photos:).
Ok….it’s a pretty good morning; the last two days, I’ve had a dentist appointment and an eye appointment, but I’ve also got to hang out with my mom and her best friend and I got to spend one last time at Eastland Mall before bidding my final adieu since it’ll be foreclosed on and shut down at the end of next month. Today is just for laying around, drinking coffee, and packing for our Ohio trip.
So, as many of you know, I’ve gained fifty pounds in the last five years, twenty of which were just in the last year or two. And I am totally miserable. Try as I might, I just cannot accept that the way I am now is the way that I have to be, and my heart breaks when I see pictures of myself from years ago. I look back and wonder how I could be so uncomfortable in my body at 130 pounds, because now that I’ve reached 180 (175 now), I long for the days when I was 130. I feel like I squandered a healthy weight by feeling like it “wasn’t enough.”
So, over the past few years, I’ve done all kinds of ridiculous things (which is pretty sad considering that I worked for Weight Watchers for seven years, so I know what I need to do). I’ve done the raw, vegan thing. I’ve been vegetarian. I’ve tried the Master Cleanse (WHOA..never again. I pooped more than I have in my entire life…I thought that I would eventually die from pooping), I’ve tried various “detoxes,” including some weird one where all you ate was potatoes (seriously??). Most recently, I’ve tried the “primal” diet.
Parts of it make a lot of sense; we were not designed to be able to digest complex foods and highly processed things. Refined grains are a no-no. Grok would have eaten only meat and some vegetables, though? I don’t know. Yep, Grok probably would have gorged on meat when he got the chance, but I have a feeling that those times were not that frequent. Grok also didn’t know how to preserve meat at the time, so he couldn’t exactly save his food for later. The primalist’s answer to this? Use “Intermittent Fasting,” a concept where you don’t eat for 24 hours at a time (at least) once or twice a week. Skip breakfast every day.
The pros? You can eat bacon. And copious amounts of red meat. You can have real cream, real butter.
The cons? You have to eat SO. MUCH. FREAKING. MEAT. Every meal. You’re so busy trying to eat enough meat that you forget entirely about vegetables. Legumes are off-limits. Fruit is not that desireable. ABSOLUTELY no sugar.
They say that, once the cravings pass, you’ll quit caring about sweet things. I haven’t found that to be true. Maybe I haven’t given it a fair shake, but I’ve found that a sugar craving strikes out of the blue, and it doesn’t just make you want some fruit to take the edge off. NOOOO…..it makes you want to completely obliterate an entire package of “break-n-bake” cookies.
Furthermore, my blood pressure has risen considerably, which is already concerning since I’m prehypertensive as it is. And I really don’t want to go on meds for it…I’m already taking two drugs for my anxiety/depression plus my BC (which primalists pretty staunchly oppose), so I don’t want any more pills. The eye doctor took my BP yesterday and it was 139/101. The dentist took it Tuesday and it was 140/95. And I wasn’t nervous either time. I usually measure 132/85ish, so the former two readings are of particular concern.
However, I have lost 7.5 pounds since eating primally (including a couple of weeks of “cheating” while James was on leave). So, I’m eating in a way which is shooting my blood pressure through the roof, causing me to break out (Acne? Seriously? I’m almost 30. And I never had a big problem with it even when I was a teen), and removing almost every green food out of my life, but I’ve had quicker weight loss success than I have in over a year.
So, I’ve spent the past couple of days drowning my sorrow in carb-rich pizza, lamenting my inability to let go of carbohydrates and feeling like a failure because I can’t eliminate entire categories of the human eating spectrum, something which I know to be unhealthy, and being angry at myself because I have forsaken the number one method of weight loss success: eating less (but maintaining variety) and moving more. And then came Jessica’s post, which hit me in the gut. It seems like I’m not the only one dealing with food issues right now, and it helps to see that someone else is dealing with it. But she’s coming out on the other side (and is about to be a beautiful bride). It seems to be so overwhelming to think about trying to face another 45 pounds of weight loss, feeling like crap about myself and not wanting to buy any clothes because purchasing a Size 14 is actually admitting to myself that I have let myself get this far.
We got a lot of takeout last month. That’s the other part of the Primal Problem. I haven’t dealt with meat in a year, people…now I’m trying to figure out different ways to cook this pile of dead animal carcass in my freezer so that it amounts to more than the same four meals weekly…which makes me overwhelmed…which makes me want to give up and get Veggie Tempura from the local Japanese place. And that makes me pissed at myself because it’s not frugal. And we are the frugal ones…we’re the ones that the people look at and say, “I don’t know how you do it!” Until they see that we ordered pizza twice this week.
And this is where I find myself right now; I know what I need to do and I know how to do it. I have all of the tools already. But I’m having trouble mustering up the will to do it (isn’t “muster” a funny word?). But if Jessica can work through it, then I can too. And if she still deals with the occasional mental setback, then I probably shouldn’t be beating myself up nearly as much as I am.
So, after a healthy breakfast (which included whole wheat bread), I’m going to sit back with a cup of coffee and start going through The Artist’s Way again in an attempt to reconnect with my right brain (the part of me that the corporate world repeatedly beats into defeat and seeks to erode and destroy). Then, I’ll empty the dishwasher, fold a little laundry, and start packing. And I won’t obsess about food this weekend; I’ll just try to make better choices.