I don’t have any cool pictures for this one. And, honestly, it’s going to be a blah post, so a picture would have been a fake and half-assed attempt to make this look like more than a “woe is me/us” blog. You’ve been duly warned.
I’m so glad that 2010 is over. It was a really crappy year. Spring semester was stressful because of a bad professor, my friends Erin, Lee, and Charles left our company, we had to move our office to another building, which sent me into a tailspin about liking my job. All of the stress burned me out on everything, including church and singing. We moved to our East Campus, which just didn’t work. I’ve taken worse care of myself than I ever have. I put on another 10 pounds. And then the biggest kick in the teeth for all of us…
Our music minister was diagnosed with advanced pancreatic cancer last week. Adenocarcinoma…the bad kind. I don’t think that it’s as bad as what Patrick Swayze had, from what I read, and it hasn’t spread, from what we’ve heard, but still. It’s like the whole world stopped spinning and crashed down into a million tiny pieces. He is honestly the most genuine person that I’ve met…the most humble…not hypocritical. He made me into who I am as far as singing is concerned. He encouraged me to do things that were outside of my comfort zone. He helped me not to be afraid of singing in front of people.
It just sucks. It also makes having spent four months at our east campus even worse, because I feel like I pissed away the four months that I could have spent with him before all of this changed everything. I know that God can do big things, and I’m trying to cling to that, but even in light of that, I’m still really pissed that something like this would happen to someone like him. Honestly, even if he beats it, I’ll probably still be pissed at God. I’m learning through this that I don’t have this whole “trust” thing down that well with God. But I’m being honest with Him. Too many Christians pray “church prayers” and pretend like they’re more holy than they are. I can’t pray “thy will be done.” Not unless “thy will” is the same as “my will,” which is that you heal my friend who has done nothing but work his butt off for you for just about all of his adult life without becoming prideful and selfish. That’s all I can pray right now. And I’m not going to be hypocritical about it and pretend that I’m a better person than I am.
So, here we are, January 2nd…and I haven’t gotten my resolutions together yet because I’ve been too upset about how awful 2010 was to even bother to think about trying to make anything better. 2011 has to be better. It just has to.