I went off the reservation for a while; sorry about that. Honestly, I haven’t felt like doing much of anything these past several weeks. I’m so glad that the first few months were relatively easy, because I don’t know that I could’ve made it all the way through if the side effects were so rough right out of the gate.
So, here’s a rundown of what’s happened as far as the side effects are concerned.
- The clumsiness has gotten much better. I don’t get lightheaded upon standing, and I haven’t had too many instances of tripping or stumbling. It was definitely pronounced during the first three months, but has gone away for the most part since.
- The joint and bone pain has gotten MUCH worse. No more PRs for me on 5ks right now. I’m doing well if I can get out and walk, much less run. I am still getting out faithfully, though (except today, because I really do think I need to give my legs a rest). I keep track of my steps through my Jawbone Up, and I made my goal every day in June. We’ve managed a few 8+ mile hikes (Mitchell in less than three weeks!!), but my legs, arms, and hands hurt constantly. My mantra has become, “If I’m going to hurt sitting, and I’m going to hurt moving, I may as well be moving.”
- The sadness/depression/anxiety/grumpiness has gotten worse. I’m avoiding just about anything that’ll make me sad, which is pretty much everything. My patience is extremely thin, so if I’m not feeling like I want to cry, I am feeling like I want to bite everyone’s head off.
- I’ve gained about ten pounds. I chalk it up to my own decisions. I’ve eaten too much because “I can afford to do it since I’m exercising so much.” I’ve picked stuff that’s easier/more convenient rather than picking healthier choices. So that’s all on me; I hate it, but I don’t blame it on the Lupron. I’m back on the wagon, so I anticipate losing it relatively quickly.
- The hot flashes are still manageable. It probably helps that it’s summer, so it’s hot as balls anyway.
People keep asking me, “but does your endo pain feel better?” Honestly, since I didn’t know I had it before, I haven’t noticed. Maybe my insides don’t hurt as much, but my arms and legs hurt so bad that I want to cry sometimes, so I’m not sure what the improvement will be as far as that goes. But that wasn’t the reason that I agreed to take the drug anyway.
I got my final injection this morning. Ginger gave me a big hug and said that she wanted to see me again when I’m pregnant. I appreciate her optimism. So I’ll have another month or so of Lupron side effects (and whatever residual effects there may be), and then we start the fertility journey again.
I have mixed emotions; I know it’s weird, but “Lupron” has become my identity over this last five months. While the physical process has been difficult, it’s also been good in that it’s forced me to be in the present moment. There’s been no point in worrying about whether or not we’ll be able to have kids since we couldn’t even try. My focus has been on getting through this moment, this day, this week…preparing for Mount Mitchell, trying to keep from eating all the food, getting out the door and walking or running. Thinking about the future was pointless because I felt so far removed from it.
In that respect, I’m afraid. Now the process begins again, and I don’t know what it’s going to look like. More shots? More hormones? More side effects? More heartbreak?
On the other hand, I’m a little excited. I never thought I’d say this, but I missed the temperature charting and testing, and that twinge of excitement for a couple of weeks of imagining the possibilities and hoping for a BFP (Big, Fat Positive). I missed the feeling of hope.
I go back to the OBGYN on the 26th and we’ll discuss our next steps then. Until that, my main focus is to summit Mount Mitchell on the 23rd.