Apple Cider Vinegar, My Left Nostril, Kitty-Melodrama, and Shopping Woes

**edited to add**  I am absolutely not contagious.  I went to the doc on Tuesday of last week and got an antibiotic, and I am contagion-free.  Just not snot free.

I’m on the fence about this apple cider vinegar thing.  Right now, it’s just making my stomach burn and making me want to puke a little.  It hasn’t worked to clear my sinuses like all of the websites say (don’t ask which one…it’s all of them.  Trust me.).  Maybe I’m supposed to actually flush my sinuses with ACV, but I have a feeling that would burn even more.

Lingering issues are my left nostril and my left ear.  My left nostril is still stuffy and my left ear needs to pop, more specifically (I almost typed “poop”…hehe).  I have most assuredly had enough fluorescent yellow snot to last a lifetime.  I’m pretty sure that I’m going to cough up a lung during this concert at Carnegie Hall and it’ll fall onto the stage and Melinda Doolittle will slip on it and slide across the stage and into the well-dressed, mild-mannered crowd.  If you hear that story in the news next Tuesday, you’ll know I was the culprit.

Shelli is growing increasinly dramatic about her food lately…even though her bowl is still well-filled, she has taken to scratching incessantly at the office door (which stands between her and her plastic carton of food) as though she hasn’t been fed in weeks and is making her last attempt to procure nourishment before resorting to going all “Donner Party” on us in our sleep…It’s kind of cute.  But mostly annoying.  And a little unnerving.

I hate shopping.  I have to find a black dress shirt and black shoes for the NY trip.  I found a shirt, but I’m not really thrilled about it.  Whenever I shop by myself, I wander aimlessly through the store, randomly touching things, until I get frustrated and leave.  Sometimes, I’ll flip through the clearance racks, but if I can’t find something absolutely glorious for under ten bucks, I’m pretty much guaranteed some sort of inner tantrum.  This problem has only been exacerbated by the fact that I have to go to the “Women’s” section sometimes.  When in the hell did I become a “Woman?”  Not “Misses,” not “Petite.”  I grudgingly let go of the Junior’s department when I hit my mid-twenties and everything in it started looking like it came straight out of a whorehouse.  But entering into the “Women’s” department is a whole different animal…it’s like they expect you to age up a decade the minute you move into a Size 14.  I will give it one more try before I leave for NYC.

The Blasted Nostril-Clearing Dance

You know what I’m talking about…where you have to shift your body from side to side, thus shifting your snot-equilibrium and clearing the previously-clogged nostril, but unfortunately also simultaneously clogging the previously-clear one?  But you feel like you have to do it, if nothing else than for those three seconds where the transition is taking place and both nostrils are clear…yeah, well I’ve been doing that since Thursday.  And it SUCKS and I’m SICK OF IT.  My nose is raw, and my sinuses still hurt, so I’m guessing there’s a lot more to come.  I can hardly stand the anticipation.

So, I took a day off work to convalesce and hope that maybe, by tomorrow, my teeth will no longer be hurting from sinus pressure, my left ear will pop so I won’t be trapped in a prison of the bell-ringing of my own mind, and I’ll no longer have to carefully blow copious amounts of yellow snot and then cough up more yellow snot.  Yep, I just talked about my snot on the blog.

I don’t get sick very often, people.  I have this go on maybe once a year…if I’m really unlucky, I’ll get it twice in a year.  And I no longer just man up and handle it…somehow, in my mind, I’ve decided that since I sucked it up and handled my kidney stone like man, I don’t have to do it anymore for any other illness….which I’m sure was a thrilling revelation for Joey, who has become my nursemaid for the past five days.

I also have no sense of taste or smell…which was unfortunate considering that Shelli peed on my blue blanket I was using on Saturday.  And I totally put it right up to my nose to see if it was cat pee…which it was…which was stupid because I could already see that it was because yellow and blue makes green and because I couldn’t smell anyway.  At least she didn’t pee on the new couch.  Because I would have laid on that and not smelled it.  Blah.

I called in sick this morning.  I never do that.  But this one has kicked my butt so bad that I felt like I needed another day.  Another day to mouth-breathe and to watch Maury Povich.  And Steve Wilkos.  And then Maury again.  And there’s this dude on there in a Cliff Huxtable-type-sweater with a box.  A box?  I thought that boxes were kind of like mullets…like, you may be willing to admit that you had one twenty years ago, mostly because you know that there’s photographic evidence somewhere so there’s no point denying it, but you’d never be caught dead with one ever again.  Who knows?  Maybe boxes will come back?  This guy obviously has one.  Maybe he’s a trend-setter.

Losing your sense of smell totally sucks.  I’m sure that my breakfast the past three days has been freaking awesome…pumpkin spice cake (1 can pumpkin + 1 box spice cake mix) with peanut butter, microwaved and then topped with low-fat vanilla ice cream.  But I have no idea because I can’t taste anything because I can’t smell anything.  I even ate a Warhead to see what its effect would be.  Nothing.

I’ve also been hacking so hard that urinary incontinence has become a real concern.  I’m going to end up in one of those Poise pad commercials…Thanks to Poise Pads, I can hark up lung oysters to my heart’s content without worrying about people noticing that I’m actually pissing myself!!

Why am I not going to the doctor, you ask?  Well, I’m not going to make an appointment to see my PCP over this.  Because he’ll take my blood pressure.  And tell me I’m fat.  And, thanks to changes in my health insurance (thank you, Obama!!), my copay for a Minute Clinic/Urgent Care is more than double that for my regular doctor (why make it easier for people to get seen TODAY when you can make them wait another day for their PCP and get that much sicker!!).  And, they’re just going to give me an antibiotic, which is stupid and is why kids are so freaking sick all of the time.  I wouldn’t mind some of those industrial-strength cough pills, though.  Or the albuterol inhaler.

Ok…..the snot must be pressing on my frontal lobe because I’m really lacking the filter-thingy that tells you when to stop talking.  Enjoy your evening.  I’ll be shifting from side to side, unable to enjoy my food because I can’t smell/taste it, and coughing until I pee all over myself.  I’m going to be fun at work tomorrow!

Oh, P.S.  We don’t buy kleenex anymore because we always forget and we just use TP instead.  I’ve been through two roles.  And it’s not the soft kind.  It’s the generic Costco kind.