One Year Ago Today…

Posted by Melanie

One year ago this morning, I woke up at 4. I had to be at the hospital around 5 to have what we now know was a fist-sized endometrioma surgically removed. Pre-op and the surgery itself was a breeze. Honestly, the first day that I was home was pretty easy. Little did I know that it would get worse from there and, ultimately, it would take three months before I felt some semblance of normalcy. And by then, I’d be a month into Lupron side effects. Actually, I don’t know if I’ve ever known what “normal” felt like, since up until the surgery, I thought that random gut-wrenching cramps were normal. And I still don’t think I know what it feels like since I went from post-surgery trauma to Lupron trauma and now into various stages of hormone-induced fertility treatment trauma.

People keep telling me how strong I am. I don’t feel all that strong. Mostly, I feel like I’m muddling through, grumping everywhere and annoying people, complaining about not feeling good and then feeling guilty for not feeling good when there are so many people with worse problems.

But that’s the nature of a chronic illness, right? You never feel quite right, but you never quite look sick. So you feel guilty for complaining and you just suck it up and keep moving. A year ago, I had no idea that I had endometriosis. I’m grateful to have an answer. But with that answer has come even more questions. Will we ever have a child? Will I have to have a hysterectomy? How long until my symptoms flare up again?

Those aren’t things I can know. But I do know that I’ve got a great, great God who does know. And I’ve got a wonderful husband, family, best friends, and a snuggly puppy and kitty to cling to on the bad days.

I’ll leave you with a pic from a year ago today; Joey took photographic evidence that I made it through the surgery to send to our best friends. I’ve censored it a bit. It may also have become a greeting card that my mother sent me for some holiday last year.

A picture of the start of this endometriosis journey.

nevermind the below picture; I just don’t want the thumbnail for this link on facebook to be of me flipping a double bird after surgery.

16 Things I Learned in 2016

Posted by Melanie

As I sit here on New Year’s Eve (nursing a cold because, of course this year should kick my arse one more time before it expires), I find myself deeply conflicted over the year that was. It’s been one of the worst years in my adult life, fraught with illness, treatments, side effects, failures, and disappointments. But at the same time, it’s been one of the best years I’ve had as a married person; Joey’s and my relationship has grown by leaps and bounds while trying to make sense of our circumstances. I’ve learned more about myself in these twelve months than I ever knew, and I’ve done things I never thought I’d be able to do.

I also find myself ill-at-ease about what 2017 has in store. I do know that the infertility journey will continue. Round 3 of the meds/trigger shot didn’t work, so we get one more try with that before we have to make the decision as to whether to visit the infertility clinic or go ahead and start saving money to go toward an adoption. Will 2017 be filled with pregnancy and labor and a baby? Or home studies and paying thousands to an adoption agency, waiting and hoping someone chooses us to give their child to? It’s too overwhelming to think about at this point.

So in light of this time of reflection, here are 16 things I learned this year.

I learned that (non-life-threatening) surgery isn’t as scary as I’d feared. I was pretty terrified the couple of days before my endometrioma removal, but the day of, I was remarkably calm. After an excellent nap, I was back home only six or seven hours after I’d left.
I’ve learned that you should try to avoid opiates as much as possible. I didn’t even take that many of them and STILL ended up with weeks of stomach and (lack of) poop troubles. No way.
I learned what my insides look like. Gross.
I learned how to tell where your ovaries are on an ultrasound, what cysts and follicles look like (and when they’re big enough).
I learned what endometriosis really is and why I’ve always felt crampy and uncomfortable for most of my adult life.
I learned what menopause feels like (along with bone pain, brain fog, etc).
I learned that walking in the woods and hiking mountains cures most of my anxieties.
I learned that I can do HARD physical things. And I have the journey up Mount Mitchell and FIVE 5K races to prove it.
I learned that diet and exercise changes really can drastically improve your body in both appearance and lab results.
I learned over and over again, with every small and large gesture, that my husband is one of the best people on the planet and far better than I deserve.
I learned that being responsible for a dog really does make me want to be a better person.
I’ve learned to change my prayer from “God, please let me have ‘x,'” to “God, please help me to accept what You are going to do.” (still working on this, obviously)
I’ve learned to stop clinging so tightly to things I’ve loved in the past but that cause a great deal of stress and anxiety.
I’ve learned that I don’t want to have to hustle to be a freelance writer; I may love to write, but I don’t love the stress of constant pitching to clients. I’ll be okay in my stable, corporate job at this point; I’ll write because I love to and will just wait on God to see what comes.
I’ve learned that adult coloring books are straight out of heaven.
I’m starting to learn that I don’t need to apologize for saying “no” to things sometimes. It’s not my job to fulfill everyone else’s needs all the time.

I think I’ll be back tomorrow with goals for January. Signing off for now.

The Lupron Diaries: Final Thoughts, Goal Update, and What’s Next

Posted by Melanie

It’s been quite some time since I last wrote; I’ve actually been legitimately busy. Brace yourselves, because this may be a long one. Since my final shot:

1. My side effects have subsided!

Thank goodness; they started to go away after about four weeks, which, from what I read, was the normal timeframe for that process to begin. I cannot express in words how glad I am for the bone pain to be gone. I’ve even managed to run a couple of times since with NO pain, which makes me pretty excited about fall/winter hiking and my next two 5Ks I’ve got scheduled. My mood has improved VASTLY, although I’m not gonna lie, I sure would like to have some PMS symptoms about now so we can get back on the fertility treatment train. But mostly, I’m just so grateful to have survived the Lupron experience and come out on the other side relatively unscathed. I even managed a 5.3 mile hike on Labor Day in which I didn’t end up stumbling and tripping constantly. I can’t tell you how much more enjoyable that makes hiking.

2. The weight has come back off!

I gained about 11 pounds throughout the course of the treatment. Although I was pissed about it, I didn’t beat myself up too much because I’d largely managed to keep from eating all of the food (one of my Lupron Goals), so I figured that it would come off relatively quickly once my appetite went back to normal. And it DID! I’ve actually lost about 17 pounds since July 16th and am seeing numbers I haven’t seen in five years. It hasn’t been effortless by any stretch; I’ve had to work hard and really clean up my diet, but it’s led to a completely different relationship with food and an understanding about what my body needs and how to fuel it properly (more on that in a future post).

3. I hiked Mount Mitchell!

You’ll recall that this was my most important Lupron Goal. And I did it. I’ll post a longer recap of the hike itself later. It was by far the most difficult thing I’ve ever done physically, and outside of holding the family together while my dad was in the hospital back in 2007, it was the toughest mental battle too. I had a panic attack when it started raining on us, and it took significantly longer than I thought it would, but I reached the top, bloody, dirty, and tear-stained, and I stood on the observation deck looking across what seemed like hundreds of mountains, feeling like I’d conquered the world. I did it.

4. I’m getting paid to write!

This actually happened a little after the Lupron treatment was completed, but I’m still counting it as one of my Lupron Goals. I’ve been writing for #AmReading for a few weeks now, and while the pay isn’t much, it’s been fun and interesting and is looking to be the launching point for landing higher-paying clients. I’m writing about books and reading, and you can check out some of my articles here, here, here, here, here, and here!

There is a downside, though, I must be honest. I can no longer blame my grumpiness on the Lupron. While it has improved and the little bit of patience I had has come back, I’ve always been pretty crusty and prickly, so I’ve lost my excuse. I’ve had to replace, “sorry! I’m just Lupron grumpy!” with “Sorry, I’m just a horrible person and you’re annoying.” So that sucks.

I can tell you, without reservation, that I do not regret my decision to go through treatment with Lupron Depot. It was hard…probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through. But I can also tell you that I’ve come out on the other side feeling better, healthier, and stronger than I have in quite some time. And I credit a lot of that to Joey. I never would’ve made it through this without a constant source of support and unconditional love (and LOTS of patience), someone to be a caretaker and sounding board, to remind me that I could make it through this. Joey and Jesus got me through:).

This isn’t the end of the story; I promise. There are too many things going on (both good and bad), and I want this endometriosis, infertility, weight loss, and personal growth journey out there, if nothing else than to show people that it’s possible to survive–and maybe even thrive–through tough times.

More to come!

The Lupron Diaries: The Final Shot

Posted by Melanie

I went off the reservation for a while; sorry about that. Honestly, I haven’t felt like doing much of anything these past several weeks. I’m so glad that the first few months were relatively easy, because I don’t know that I could’ve made it all the way through if the side effects were so rough right out of the gate.
So, here’s a rundown of what’s happened as far as the side effects are concerned.

The clumsiness has gotten much better. I don’t get lightheaded upon standing, and I haven’t had too many instances of tripping or stumbling. It was definitely pronounced during the first three months, but has gone away for the most part since.
The joint and bone pain has gotten MUCH worse. No more PRs for me on 5ks right now. I’m doing well if I can get out and walk, much less run. I am still getting out faithfully, though (except today, because I really do think I need to give my legs a rest). I keep track of my steps through my Jawbone Up, and I made my goal every day in June. We’ve managed a few 8+ mile hikes (Mitchell in less than three weeks!!), but my legs, arms, and hands hurt constantly. My mantra has become, “If I’m going to hurt sitting, and I’m going to hurt moving, I may as well be moving.”
The sadness/depression/anxiety/grumpiness has gotten worse. I’m avoiding just about anything that’ll make me sad, which is pretty much everything. My patience is extremely thin, so if I’m not feeling like I want to cry, I am feeling like I want to bite everyone’s head off.
I’ve gained about ten pounds. I chalk it up to my own decisions. I’ve eaten too much because “I can afford to do it since I’m exercising so much.” I’ve picked stuff that’s easier/more convenient rather than picking healthier choices. So that’s all on me; I hate it, but I don’t blame it on the Lupron. I’m back on the wagon, so I anticipate losing it relatively quickly.
The hot flashes are still manageable. It probably helps that it’s summer, so it’s hot as balls anyway.

People keep asking me, “but does your endo pain feel better?” Honestly, since I didn’t know I had it before, I haven’t noticed. Maybe my insides don’t hurt as much, but my arms and legs hurt so bad that I want to cry sometimes, so I’m not sure what the improvement will be as far as that goes. But that wasn’t the reason that I agreed to take the drug anyway.

I got my final injection this morning. Ginger gave me a big hug and said that she wanted to see me again when I’m pregnant. I appreciate her optimism. So I’ll have another month or so of Lupron side effects (and whatever residual effects there may be), and then we start the fertility journey again.

I have mixed emotions; I know it’s weird, but “Lupron” has become my identity over this last five months. While the physical process has been difficult, it’s also been good in that it’s forced me to be in the present moment. There’s been no point in worrying about whether or not we’ll be able to have kids since we couldn’t even try. My focus has been on getting through this moment, this day, this week…preparing for Mount Mitchell, trying to keep from eating all the food, getting out the door and walking or running. Thinking about the future was pointless because I felt so far removed from it.

In that respect, I’m afraid. Now the process begins again, and I don’t know what it’s going to look like. More shots? More hormones? More side effects? More heartbreak?

On the other hand, I’m a little excited. I never thought I’d say this, but I missed the temperature charting and testing, and that twinge of excitement for a couple of weeks of imagining the possibilities and hoping for a BFP (Big, Fat Positive). I missed the feeling of hope.

I go back to the OBGYN on the 26th and we’ll discuss our next steps then. Until that, my main focus is to summit Mount Mitchell on the 23rd.

Here’s hoping.

The Lupron Diaries: Vacation and Victory

Posted by Melanie

Last weekend, Joey and I took a trip to Waynesville, NC, to stay in a cabin in the woods and hike all the miles. Although the accommodations left a bit to be desired, I think this was probably the best camping trip we’ve ever had.

On Friday, we hiked the Pink Beds Loop again, but this time, we made it all the way to the waterfall off the Barnett Branch Trail. It was WELL worth the mile of straight uphill. The waterfall was about 25 feet high, and the water was ice cold. Indy was thrilled to get a drink.

Here’s a shot of Indy at our campsite. She looks so regal. I think I overestimated her ability to adapt to a strange situation, though. She didn’t enjoy being trussed up on a lead, and she was afraid of the campfire. She’ll learn, though.

On Saturday, we went to the North Carolina Arboretum. I’ll have to do a separate post dedicated to that, because I took a TON of pictures. The below is part of their quilt garden; every year, they create a different pattern on individual squares. This year was a butterfly; can you see it?

They also had a fantastic bonsai exhibit. Joey has dabbled with bonsai here and there, so he was beyond thrilled to see all of the trees. I took pictures of each one, and it’s definitely renewed his interest in picking it back up again.

We ended up leaving on Sunday so we’d have a day to recuperate at home, but not before hiking Pinnacle Park in Sylva, NC. While we didn’t make it all the way up to the pinnacle, we did get plenty of beautiful pictures along the way. The below is at Split Rock, about a half mile up the trail.

The first mile of the hike was along this creek; it was full of cascades and rapids, and Indy wanted to check out each one.

We hiked a total of 11.5 miles over the course of three days. It was exhilarating, but also an eye-opener. We’ve got a lot of work left to do before Mount Mitchell at the end of July.

I’m still counting it as a victory over Lupron, though. On previous camping trips, we would’ve spent the bulk of our time hanging around the campsite and snacking. This time, we spent it out in nature, working out and getting excellent views along the way. I did have a few clumsy moments, but Joey was there to grab me before I stumbled. I had a few “Lupron sadness” moments as well, but he talked me out of those. He’s pretty great that way:).

Hiking has been such an effective means of dealing with this journey through endometriosis and its treatment. I’m forced to unplug while we’re out on a trail…there’s no phone reception, no chance to fiddle around on Facebook or check my Instagram feed. I’m forced to be observant of the present moment and little else; I have to watch the ground diligently for roots and rocks. I have to pay attention to my surroundings lest I miss a beautiful waterfall (or a bear…it goes both ways). There’s no time to think about my dysfunctional body or whether or not we’ll ever get to have a biological child.

There’s just miles of trail. And not dying…there’s that too.

The Lupron Diaries: Dealing with Clumsiness

Posted by Melanie

The Lupron Diaries (2)

If you’ll recall my list of side effects that suck, clumsiness and stumbling/falling is one of the more common ones. This one’s kind of tough, since there aren’t a whole lot of tricks and tips to offer. I suppose you could opt to use a walker until you’re done with the Lupron, but if you’re not receiving Social Security benefits due to your age, then you probably don’t want to do that. For the most part, I’m muddling through with this and just trying not to faceplant in front of people.

Don’t stand up too fast. My biggest problem is that I become lightheaded upon standing, but it doesn’t really hit me until I’ve taken about twenty steps. I spend the rest of my walk trying not to pitch forward. Stand slowly, and wait until the feeling passes before you start moving.
Lean against something (stable) for a moment after you stand. If I’m near a wall, I’ll rest on that for just a couple of seconds before starting off, or I’ll hold onto the back of my office chair for a bit before moving. It’s embarrassing, but better than meeting the floor face-to-face.
Walk deliberately. Pay attention to where you’re going, what the path in front of you looks like, and where the people around you are. Focus on your end destination and it’ll help you to keep from getting distracted and stumbling.
Use a friend. Joey’s probably tired of the amount of times I grab his arm while we’re walking somewhere. If you’ve been honest with your loved ones, they know that you’re dealing with clumsiness and won’t mind offering you a steadying shoulder to lean on.
Sit down! If you think you’re going to fall; sit down. It’s better to sit against a wall than to throw yourself into it. One requires medical attention and drywall repair. You can handle some minor embarrassment. Besides, people might toss change at you, which you can put toward your outrageously expensive medical bills.

Of course, it goes without saying (hopefully) that you may want to wait for the Lupron to leave your system before you head out for your Everest expedition or attempt to summit Denali. Or before you tightrope walk the Grand Canyon. Or take up with Cirque de Soleil.

Be careful out there, ladies.

**note, I am not a doctor…just a clumsy Lupron patient. None of my advice should outweigh anything your own doctor suggests you do. Although I sincerely hope s/he doesn’t tell you to climb Mount Everest while on Lupron.**

The Lupron Diaries: Shot #4 and Running Update (and Victory!!)

Posted by Melanie

The Lupron Diaries- (2)

Thank goodness, Shot #4 was painless like #1 and #2. I made sure that I was completely relaxed, and other than the pinch of the initial stick, it was pain-free. Ginger blamed #3 on herself, but I told her I was certain that it was my fault for being tense.

The timing of the shot sucked, though…I had a 5K planned for two days later, and if you’ll recall from my list of side effects that suck, I’m usually in for three days of joint aches that make any kind of high-impact activity pretty painful. But I’d already paid my $35, so I was going to do this 5K, even if I had to crawl across the finish line in agony.

I was nervous, because Friday was a rough day. My hips and knees ached badly, and ibuprofen was only taking the edge off. On a side note, the sadness/weepiness and anxiety have been getting progressively worse with every shot. It’s still bearable, so I’m not waving a white flag, but I’m finding myself crying a lot more and getting overwhelmed by small things/worrying about huge things that I can’t control (getting older, job stress, the never-ending passage of time, etc). Joey has been an absolute rock through all of this; I have no idea what I’d do without him.

I was also seriously nervous about this 5K, because it was the first one I was going to do without Joey. I was running it with my best friend Katie, but she had her own goal pace (which was a good bit faster than mine), so I was going to be doing this on my own (although it was encouraging to know she’d be waiting for me at the finish line). Would I push myself hard enough, or would I just give up without Joey encouraging me to run a little bit more? Plus, this was going to be the biggest 5K I’d ever done. It was put on by the Carolina Panthers’ Keep Pounding Charity, to benefit the Levine Cancer Center. This wasn’t just some local 5K with a few hundred participants. Nope, we’re talking thousands. Would I get stuck in a pack of people? Would I be in the way, an obstacle for the “real” runners? Would I get lost and end up in another part of downtown Charlotte entirely?

I woke up on Saturday morning feeling better than Friday; my legs weren’t hurting as badly, so I took 3 ibuprofen and hoped that’d hold me through the race. Joey made me an egg over toast and a cup of coffee and I triple/quadruple/quintuple checked to make sure I had everything I needed in my race belt, that I had Katie’s shirt and bib, and that my playlist was all set and downloaded (Thank you, Amazon Prime Music!). I headed her way and we were off!

We arrived (with only a minor snafu getting to the parking deck) in plenty of time to get a shot in front of the stadium before being shuttled to the starting line at the Levine Cancer Center.

We stood around and stretched (and I agonized over being nervous), and then I noticed SIR PURR! Not only am I a huge Carolina Panthers fan, but (as you already know), I’m a huge cat fan in general, so I was super-psyched. I actually dressed as Sir Purr a couple of years ago for Halloween. I yelled “OMG, SIR PURR!!” and he ran right over for a pic. Forgive the blurriness…Katie had picture-taking anxiety.

The course itself was brutal; we started at the Levine Cancer center and ran all the way up Morehead street to the stadium. The race organizer playfully called it “Mount Morehead,” but he wasn’t kidding; it was almost entirely uphill. When we reached the stadium, we ran a lap around the outside, up the stairs, and into the north gate entrance. Once inside, we ran a lap around the ground level concourse and then up the ramps to the 500-level (holy crap). Then we went a short distance around the upper concourse and back down another set of ramps, out the players’ chute and through the finish line on the 50-yard line. So, as you can see, the bulk of the course was uphill (especially those ramps).

It was SUPER crowded at the start line, which was overwhelming. I kept freaking out and Katie kept telling me, “We’ve got this.” She was a little nervous too, but kept it together and kept encouraging me. Before we knew it, a horn sounded to start the race. I do wish they’d told the walkers to make their way toward the back, because we had to do a lot of dodging people and running out into the road to get around walkers. I kept up with Katie for two or three minutes, and I made it almost all the way through my first song before I had to take a walking break. I tried to stay to the right whenever I walked so I wouldn’t be an obstacle to folks who were running.

I started to get discouraged right away, which sucked. Normally, I would’ve had Joey there to say something at just the right time or to suggest that we run to some point up ahead and get my mind off the negative thoughts. But it was up to me this time.

I set a simple strategy; run as much as possible through each song on my playlist, run through each mile-marker sign, and run through each intersection so I didn’t have to have a cop holding traffic for me while I wheezed my way across the road. The scenery was pretty, and the day was PERFECT…maybe 60 degrees, a little breezy, and sunny.

I also made a commitment not to fall behind the folks around me; I focused in on a red-haired girl who appeared to be about my same fitness level and was run/walking as well. It worked like a charm.

Until we got to the ramps inside the stadium. I had to walk up all of them. Plus, I had only been in the stadium once before, so I didn’t realize that there were two ramps per level. I got up the fourth ramp and thought I was done, and then I saw the door leading inside and it said “300 Level.” Shit, I thought. Shit, shit, shit, I’m never going to make this. But I kept on walking and tried my best to keep up with the cadence of the music. I finally hit the top and I picked up running again.

I REALLY wanted to walk back down some of the ramps, but I told myself I wasn’t going to waste any downhill portions of the race (especially since there were so few), and I kept running. Toward the bottom, my earbuds fell out for good (I’ve got to get some new ones), so I just took them out altogether. Before I knew it, I saw daylight ahead and was running out the player’s entrance. WHAT a rush that was…the same entrance that Steve Smith ran through, DeAngelo Williams, Cam Newton…there I was…dodging some lady and her toddler, but running through nonetheless. I revelled in the moment for just a second, and then started scanning the line of cheerers for Katie. I heard her screaming “look at the clock!!” and I looked up and it said 44:20. WHAT?!! I spent the entire race feeling like I was going to fail again at my goal (being under 46). But here I was just a few yards from the finish line, and I was going to end up beating my goal by over a minute!

Katie snapped a pic of me:

I was shocked and thrilled and exhausted. My official time was 44:35. Katie made her goal too (under 39). And I ran over half of the race (at least). Four months ago, I would never have believed I could’ve done that. According to many of the online accounts I’ve read of women who’ve taken Lupron, I shouldn’t have been able to do that. But I did.

Katie and I snapped a selfie, got our official times, snagged water and protein bars, and then sat in the parking deck for 40 minutes trying to get back out to come home. I also found that red-haired girl and told her I’d been trying to keep up with her, and that she did awesome. Everyone needs to hear when they’ve done a great job.

The ibuprofen worked like a charm…not one bit of joint pain during the run, and I haven’t had any since, either. I even went with Joey and Indy on a celebratory lap around the neighborhood after I got back home.

On the technical front, I need new earphones and a new running belt. I don’t have enough room in the one I currently have for my phone, ID and keys. My driver’s license fell out on the field while we were getting our official times. I saw it happen, so I was able to pick it up quickly, but there’s always the chance that it could happen and I wouldn’t catch it. I’m thinking of getting a Flip Belt; a couple of people had them at the race and they looked comfortable and secure.

On the “what’s next” front, I’m going to focus on endurance for the next couple of weeks rather than speed, because we’ve got two hikes planned over Memorial Day weekend (both in the mountains). Our next scheduled 5K is July 4th, and I’d like to finish it in under 44 minutes.

I’m proud. I’m proud that I managed all by myself. Katie even offered to give up her goal and run with me, and I told her not to. I’m proud that I picked up and ran again every time I felt exhausted. I’m proud that I didn’t give up. I’m proud that I’m not using Lupron as an excuse to stay on the couch, even when I don’t feel the best. Endometriosis isn’t going to win this. It’s not going to beat me, and it doesn’t have to beat you either.

Here’s my playlist in case you’d like to use it:

Tik Tok – Ke$ha
Turn Down for What – DJ Snake & Lil Jon
Lips are Movin – Meghan Trainor
Boom Boom Pow – The Black Eyed Peas
Hey Mama – The Black Eyed Peas
Toxic – Britney Spears
Lose Yourself – Eminem
Word Crimes – Weird Al
Chariots of Fire – London Philharmonic Orchestra
Can’t Hold Us – Macklemore & Ryan Lewis
Bring Me to Life – Evanescence
Eye of the Tiger – Survivor
Wannabe – Spice Girls (I finished the race before this one started, thankfully!)

The Lupron Diaries: Dealing with Negative Emotions

Posted by Melanie

The Lupron Diaries- (1)

I’ve definitely felt like the Lupron is beating me these past few days. I didn’t stop to think that perhaps the side effects would compound as the shots went on, but that seems to be what’s happening. It feels like I’m constantly surrounded by the crappy version of Snow White’s seven dwarfs…”weepy,” “grumpy,” “overwhelmed,” “frustrated,” “stressed,” “bitchy,” and “anxious.” For the most part, I’m able to keep perspective and remind myself that it’s the Lupron messing with my head, but there are plenty of times that these terrible emotions surface, and I’m left curled up in the recliner crying over some stupid viral story I read on the internet or griping all over Joey for no apparent reason.

However, I’ve figured out some ways to deal with this side effect; hopefully my coping mechanisms will help you as well (also, I’m not a doctor, just a grumpy layperson. Don’t take my advice to the detriment of your health…if you’ve got problems, consult a professional).

Pray. If you’re not a person of faith, you’ll have to humor me here, but I am a Christian, and I am constantly having to remind myself that God is in control of all of this and He will get me through it. And I’m not just talking about “pious, churchy” prayers, either. I gripe at God. Sometimes I yell at Him. Most of the time I’m contrite and pitiful, but honestly, He knows what you’re thinking anyway, so you may as well be honest and tell Him. I think God appreciates honesty, even when it’s ugly. And sometimes, that’s exactly what I need to talk my way through a piss-poor mood.
Establish and maintain routines. I know this sounds both elementary and
boring, but it’s true. Routines are comforting, and when you’re struggling with a barrage of uncertainty and stress, you need comfort and stability in every way possible. I have set times to wake up every day, and I try not to vary from them. I have set days to run (Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday), and a set day for a long walk or other activity (Sunday). We have set activities on Wednesday night, Thursday night, and Sunday morning. Open space (on your schedule) can be overwhelming, so having an established routine can keep you from freaking out.
Exercise. Sorry…you’re not going to get around this. There’s a reason it’s suggested in almost any article about mental wellness. Studies have shown time and time again that exercise boosts endorphins in the brain and is a highly effective remedy against depression and anxiety. Additionally, since weight gain is another side effect of the Lupron,exercising will help keep that one at bay, too. I run/walk three days a week, do a long walk (or hike) on
Sundays, and I’m working on getting strength routines together for Monday and/or Friday. It also helps to have something to train for. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been caught in negative thoughts and I’ve gotten out and run or hiked, envisioning myself crossing the finish line at a 5K or summiting Mt. Mitchell, and I’ve finished that workout feeling like I kicked ass and was ready to take on the world. You don’t have to run. Find an activity that you like to do and push yourself. Sweat therapy is a real thing.
Find a stress-relieving hobby (and do it as often as you can).
When I discovered adult coloring books, my world instantly became more calm.
Mandalas are my favorite things to color for their balance and symmetry. I love the methodical nature of the process…selecting a few colors and setting their pattern, finishing with each color one at a time. And the finished projects are so gratifying! Find something that you can focus on that’ll take your mind off negative emotions; reading, scrapbooking, drawing, crossword puzzles…whatever works for you.
Give yourself a break. I’ve had to lower my expectations of myself since I’m overwhelmed more easily and get frustrated much more quickly. I can’t handle doing something every Saturday or having more than one or two commitments during a week. I can’t agree to many last-minute or spontaneous requests. I can’t do as many “favors” for people. Being realistic about your limits and operating within them will lessen the sense of being overwhelmed by having added yet another thing to your list of responsibilities.
Avoid your triggers. I don’t watch tv shows about obese people. I don’t read stories about animals (unless I can tell from the headline that it’s silly and cute). I avoid movies that I know will make me cry. For a normal person, a good cry can be cathartic, but for someone dealing with Lupron weepiness, it may start a flood that won’t stop easily. If it looks like it might throw you off and you can avoid it, by all means, steer yourself the other way.
Be honest with your family, friends, and partner. If I’m “Lupron grumpy,” I tell them. If I don’t want to go out because I need to curl up in the recliner and cry, I tell them. They need to know if you’re going to be snippy for no reason so they don’t think they’ve hurt you. And they need to know when to try to pull you out of a bad place.
Sometimes, just eat the damn ice cream. You’re not going to win every battle. Sometimes, you’re going to want to pile up on the couch and eat cheetos and watch six hours of Deadliest Catch. And sometimes, it’s okay to do that. Don’t do it often, but sometimes, it’ll just have to do. Pick yourself up tomorrow and move on.

Remember, what you’re going through is tough. Lupron treatment ain’t for sissies. You are an EndoWarrior, and you can beat the negative emotions (most of the time)!

Infertility Awareness Week: Things Your Infertile Friend is too Nice to Tell You

Posted by Melanie

source

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. I’m glad about that. With 1 in every 8 couples of reproductive age dealing with this issue, it’s certainly something that needs to be brought to the forefront. Chances are, someone you know well is struggling with conceiving, and there are a few things you need to know…things they may be too nice to tell you.

We don’t want your pity. Yes, for whatever reason, there is a part of my body that’s not working the way it should. However, I’m still a successful human being with plenty of other great qualities and abilities. We’re not pathetic; we’ve just got something that’s not working quite right.
We don’t want your judgement. I actually had a friend tell me, in essence, “that’s what happens when you wait so long to have kids.” I already know that. I know that fertility decreases as you age. We waited for a reason. For us, life hasn’t been stable enough to provide for a kid until these last couple of years. There’s truth in oft-repeated statement, “if you wait until you’re ‘ready,’ you’ll never be ready.” However, it’s also a good idea to try to wait until you’re in a position to be able to provide for that child, and sometimes that doesn’t happen until you’re thirty. Your judgement alienates and hurts us.
We don’t want your suggestions. Yes, I’ve tried essential oils. Yes, I’ve tried castor oil wraps. Yes, I’ve tried apple cider vinegar. Yes, I’ve tried supplements. Yes, I’ve tried a gluten free diet. Yes, I’ve tried a ketogenic diet. Yes, I’ve tried lemon water in the morning. Yes, I’ve heard of fertility massage. Yes, I’ve heard of acupuncture. No, I’m not interested in any of it anymore. Your infertile friend has probably done her research already, and may have already tried most of these “natural remedies.” Your suggestions aren’t helpful; they’re actually a little annoying.
We’re a little pissed that you’re pregnant. Do I still love you? Yes. Am I happy for you? Absolutely. Will I love your baby? No doubt. But please be understanding; there’s still going to be a tiny part of me that’s sad that it’s not me. It’s still going to sting a little when you tell us how excited you are that the baby’s kicking, or even when you complain about your swollen feet and insomnia. Because it’s not us, and we’d give anything to experience the things you’re complaining about. Your baby shower is going to be awkward for us, especially if we end up having to field the “why haven’t you guys had kids yet?” question from unthinking acquaintances. It doesn’t mean we hate you; it means we’re human. And that’s going to have to be okay.
We still need YOU. It’s easy to withdraw when you’re struggling with such a personal problem. Plus, the hormone treatments we have to go through (Clomid, Lupron, the variety of drugs involved in IVF) wreak havoc on our emotions and make us anxious, depressed, and grumpy sometimes. We need you to be there to watch a movie with us, go shopping with us, run a mile with us, or just sit with us while we cry. Sometimes we need you to take our mind off this terrible journey, and sometimes we need you to listen to us while we agonize over it. Mostly, though, we just need you to be there.

So, there you have it. We’re struggling with a private and often embarrassing problem. Love us in spite of it.

– this post by Melanie Weaver first appeared on Inner Monologue of a Madwoman –

The Lupron Diaries: Running Update

Posted by Melanie

Today was the first of many 5k races we have planned for 2016. We picked the Sunshine 5K for its proximity to our house.

Here we are, pre-race (you can tell because I’m still the same shade of white as my visor).

I always get SO nervous on race days. We’d planned to get up at 6 am so we’d have a chance to have some coffee and let Indy roam around in the yard before we had to put her back up to leave. What ended up happening instead, though, was my waking up and noticing that it was already light outside, checking my phone, and seeing that it was actually 6:47 and we’d grossly overslept. It was a good thing that the race was only five minutes from the house, so we did still have time to have a cup of coffee, and it was nice not to have to drive into downtown Charlotte to get to the venue.

I was more nervous this time than I have ever been before; I knew I was going to try to run as much of the race as I could, and we didn’t have the excuse of having Indy with us this time, so I was going to have to quit punking out and just run the damn thing. I also hadn’t been able to work out Thursday because of some respiratory congestion (which I still had), so I was afraid that I’d end up coughing up a lung during the race and have to be carted away (by ambulance, of course) to the minute clinic.

Thankfully, my girls were already there when we arrived; we chatted a bit–or tried to, at least, over the deafening music.

They’re both much faster than I am, so I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep up with them, but I also knew they’d be waiting for me at the finish line. I’d previously told Joey to go ahead and do his own pace, but I got nervous right before it started and asked him to stay with me instead. He didn’t think twice about it.

We ran most of the first mile, and I made it through my entire first song without walking, which was heartening, since we’ve been doing the Mayo Clinic 5k program, which is comprised primarily of short run/walk intervals. I had no idea how long I’d be able to sustain a run. Our first mile was about 13:30.

The course was two loops through a neighborhood in Wesley Chapel; it was excellent weather and the houses were pretty. However, they looped us through a nature trail that was quite narrow and had some slippery foot bridges, which made things rather precarious for someone who’s Lupron clumsy. I’m also a little curious as to how the lady with the triple stroller managed, and how those around her felt when they were inevitably bottle-necked behind her for that entire section of the course.

My chest congestion was catching up with me by Mile 2 and I had to walk a good portion of that one and the third. I almost started crying at 2.8 because I knew I wasn’t going to make my goal pace and it wasn’t fair that I got sick three days before the race and I hadn’t lost any weight and I felt like a loser and my house is a wreck and I’m barely even a functional adult anyway (and it just spiraled down further from there). I told Joey I felt like crying and he said, “that’s going to make it hard to keep pace, and we’re almost done.” And I saw the main road and heard the music at the finish line. And we were at 43:30, so Joey said, “let’s run…I think we can make it!”

And we ran. And then found out that you had to circle around the back of the parking lot at the venue and pass through a gauntlet of portapotties and dumpsters before crossing the finish line. So we didn’t make it. We came close, though!

My girls were there at the end, cheering for me, and then we stayed and cheered for the last finishers. I did get a race PR, even if it wasn’t quite as fast as I wanted. And I got to enjoy the best part of friendship and marriage; having people who know what I’m going through pushing me to be successful and waiting at the finish line for me. It’s hard to beat that.

Incidentally, here’s my playlist for whoever may be interested. It served me pretty well.

(I’m Not Your) Steppin’ Stone -The Monkees
All the Small Things -Blink 182
American Woman -Lenny Kravitz
Breathe -Prodigy
Bye Bye Bye -*NSYNC
Can You Dig It? -The Monkees
Cocky -Kid Rock
Without Me -Eminem
White & Nerdy -Weird Al Yankovic
Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap -AC/DC
Fergalicious -Fergie
Flagpole Sitta -Harvey Danger
What I Got -Sublime

My official time was 46:02, so one minute over my goal of 45:00. All things considered, though, I’ll take it.