mental healing

Emerging….

Posted by

1

It’s been just about six months.  I don’t think I’ve ever gone this long without posting.  Lots has happened that’s finally put me in a position where I want to and am able to resume blogging.  I took a break for several reasons…I needed to focus on getting my thesis done, especially since I had to postpone graduation again until this spring, Phil died and I didn’t feel like doing much for quite a while, Davy Jones died, capping off a month of grief (Phil died on the first of February and Davy died on the 29th) and the loss of two of the most important figures of my own musical history, and work became increasingly stressful until I got to the point that I wasn’t really able to function much.  It was all I could do to make it through the day, so when I got home, I basically collasped on the couch and ate.

So, I finished my thesis and successfully defended it and I’m all graduated now.  Unfortunately the stress of work and school took a big toll on my health to the tune of another thirty pounds, so I’m officially needing to lose about 80 pounds now.  However, I got a new job!!  As a result, life is becoming increasingly more relaxed (or will be once I’m more used to the new job), and I’m finally reaching the point where I can emerge from survival-mode and try to heal my body and mind from the trauma of the last year.

I really wanted 2012 to start off better and be a better year in general, but I feel like things happened the way they did for a reason, and I’m pretty sure that the second half of 2012 is going to be so much better considering how much baggage I’ve been able to shed over the past two months.  I spent the first few weeks after I graduated doing nothing but rotting my brain on Facebook and Pinterest, but I’ve been starting to remember what my interests were before I went into self-imposed isolation…frugal living, voluntary simplicity, knitting, cooking good food, and resuming the weight-loss battle.

I’m pretty mad at myself for letting the weight thing get so out of control; we’ve found ourselves getting takeout incredibly often because we’ve been too stressed and tired to cook.  However, Joey just sent off his last paper for his last class of his PhD program, and I don’t have anything to consume my time when I get home from work except going back to the aforementioned things that used to consume my time, constructive things, healthy things…things that make life better.

Since we’re now looking at the possibility of being able to eradicate vast amounts of debt if we resume our previously frugal ways, I’m looking forward to getting back to my roots and returning to the person I was when I liked who I was.  And I’m glad I get to share that with you again:)

Advertisement

I’m Having a Hard Time Sleeping…

Posted by

3

and, as such, I’m out on the couch watching episodes of Dirty Jobs, hoping that maybe I’ll drift off again in a few.  I have this horrible habit of cracking my knuckles in bed when I can’t get to sleep…popping any joint that I can get to pop, actually, and rather than driving Joey nuts (or at least cause him to have some horrible dream), I’d come out to the living room and give him some peace and quiet.  He’s had a hard time getting enough sleep too. 

My friend Angela lost her dog yesterday.  She found out at work and had to leave to go  be with her family.  He was 17 and had been with her through so many significant times in her life.  I cried off and on all day because I was so sad for her and because it threw me back into memories of Puss and then brought to mind the fact that Shelli is four already.  In just a couple more years, she’ll be considered a senior cat.  I almost can’t bear the thought of it.  And, because I’m sick like that, I Googled “memorial poems for pets” and read them and cried and cried.  I’m not sure why I did that…it seems a little twisted in retrospect.

I know that a lot of this is hormones…honestly, guys, my hormones have been so jacked up after the mental apocalypse that was the last six months that I don’t know whether I’m coming or going emotionally.  I’m going back to my PCP in the fall (so I can lose some more weight and he won’t tell me how fat I am) to try to get everything straightened out.  One thing I do appreciate about the first part of the year is that it’s renewed my motivation to take control of my own health and pay attention to myself rather than simply trying to get out of bed in the morning.

Over the past two weeks, I’ve been going back and reading my previous blogs, and I noticed that the past several ones have been pretty superficial…I’m sorry for that.  Honestly, I’ve done a pretty good job of pretending that I was doing okay…half of me didn’t want to be seen as weak and the other half didn’t want to burden others since most of my acquaintances didn’t really care about my situation anyway.  This whole ordeal has given me a new perspective on my friends at work and has made me appreciate so much how they really do care about me.  Even though I’m not thrilled about being in the cubicle world all day, I’m pretty blessed with coworkers who are really my friends and who worry about how I’m doing.

Chris and Daisy, I’ve been clinging to you every day.  It’s been a great help to have your blogs to read first thing in the mornings.

My bridesmaid dress fitting is on Thursday and I’m totally dreading it like it’s a trip to the dentist or a pap smear or something.  I’ve only lost about twenty pounds, and I was aiming for fifty or sixty.  I don’t even know if it’s really going to make a difference in the size of the dress.  I’m going to keep working on it, though, and I’ll probably go back toward the end of September to get fitted again.

I’m back on the thesis horse.  I feel like I can do it now that I’m more mentally stable, so I’m going to get that sucker done and graduate in December.  It’ll be taking an extra semester, but I’m okay with that.

Phil is hanging in there.  He’s got some more chemo and then a scan on the 31st that’ll dictate whether or not he can have the surgery to remove the diseased part of his pancreas.  If so, the surgery will happen on September 14th.  He and his family are so amazing and so strong.

So, that’s the heavy part of my life-update.  Here’s what I’m looking forward to now that I’m not an emotional basket case:

  1. knitting again!!  I’ve got two patterns and pretty yarn for some excellent frocks for Miss Daisy the Curly Cat :).
  2. writing, both academically and personally.  Blogging has always been theraputic for me, and I really appreciate that there are a precious few people out there who, for some ungodly reason, are interested in what I have to say.  I love each and every one of you.
  3. frugality.  Since we bought the camper last month, we’re going to have to be much more prudent with our funds to be able to handle paying for it.  I’m looking forward to having frugal challenges again and seeing just how much we can do with our funds.
  4. Fall!  Summer isn’t really fun for me now that I’m not in school and don’t get any time off.  And now that it’s so freaking hot here now.  I don’t remember it being quite so hot when I was younger.  Fall is the time of year when I really thrive and I’m at my best.  There’s something about the crisp air, pumpkins, spices, the changing leaves, fall camping.  It makes me feel alive.

Well, that’s all of the inner monologue that I have tonight, folks.  I’m going to kick back on the couch, start another episode of Dirty Jobs, and hope that I’ll be able to doze off for a while before my alarm goes off at 6:15.