Well, as I told you in my last post, I recently got a new job. It’s the same job that I was doing before, but it was a good move financially, and the new job allows me some liberty to get into the aspects of my industry that I really like. Additionally, I needed a less-stressful environment (or a different kind of stress, at least), and I’m getting to the point where I feel that I’m going to get that. So, after a month, I’m starting to feel like I’m a part of the new place. It helps that there are five of us who have come over here, so I immediately had a group of people with whom I was familiar. I’m also finally feeling challenged again, and like I’m a part of the process rather than “just another customer service rep.” However, I’m still not entirely at ease yet….so, in the long run, I know this place will be less stressful, but right now, I’m still suffering from the (good) stress of getting adjusted. I’ll gladly take that over the previous environment, though!!
Shelli’s adoptiversary was last Saturday; we gave her some treats and she was largely nonplussed by the entire thing. I can’t believe it’s been five years. I’m a little sad about it…she’s all grown up now, and the memories of that first “kitten” year seem so far in the past. I’ve also been pretty depressed lately about the fate of many shelter pets. Sometimes I wonder if I’m cut out to have kids, because at this point, I’d rather spend my time, money, and effort on rescuing animals. Try explaining that to church people who look at you like you’ve just denounced Christ Himself. Knowing what I know about God, though, He gave me this tenderness toward animals for a reason, so I’m just trying to go with the feeling and let Him change my mind about kids if/when it happens. I would love to be able to get another kitten, but I’m just not sure that Shelli would be able to handle it. I wish we could’ve afforded to take her sister, too, but we were so poor back then that Shelli’s medical care that first three months almost put us into debt. It would have been worth it to take the risk, though, because I got a pretty nice raise about a month after we adopted her, and I think she would have been a little less paranoid and crabby toward people.
I’m still struggling with motivation to take care of myself and get myself back in some sort of shape. I gained my last thirty pounds pretty rapidly since November, and it’s taking a toll on my skin, which is pretty demoralizing. I was discussing the situation with a friend Friday at lunch who deals with anxiety like I do who’s going through a similar issue, and I explained the motivation problem to her like this: you have a finite pool of energy and emotion from which to draw, and when you expend so much on being anxious about this or that, it leaves the pool empty when it comes time for other things, like cooking and cleaning and exercising. Apathy is what’s left, and then you just don’t have the effort to expend to try to better yourself.
But there’s got to be a way. That’s my mission for the summer….to find that way.
Inner Monologue of a Madwoman 